2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
