we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
