dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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