Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
