I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
