I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
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