My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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