Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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