i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
as a side note pls kill me
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
