Ambien. No doubt about it.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
