My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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