All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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