I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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