god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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