I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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