i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
This house was built for laser tag.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
