Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
