i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
this boner is exhausting
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
either way he was missing a nipple.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
