im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You need a sexual gate keeper
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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