Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
