Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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