sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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