is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
