Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
