I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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