I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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