I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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