Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
