my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Floor bacon is actually really good
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
