my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
