His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
