thus making me awesome and them whores
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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