she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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