Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
