The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
