OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
