the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
party gras won. party gras always wins.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
They have beer where we have blood.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize