He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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