apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
