did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
