idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
