I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
