How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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