he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize