He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize