Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
