Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Bring me that man meat
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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