I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I touched a dick in church today
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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