she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
