Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Randomize
