totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
