The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
