just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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