This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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