Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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