you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize