i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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