Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
