I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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