and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
