just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
