It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
