you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
