Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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