I'm going to rape someone's good day.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize