sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
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