Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize