i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
